Thursday, March 27, 2014


I am starting something new. I have decided to express my thoughts and my feelings in my blog. Sort of like an “Online Journal”, except I don’t care if anyone see’s it. My thoughts and feelings are all jumbled, so please bear with me and be understanding.

A lot of life changing events have happened in my life recently, and I've come to ask the question, "What is happiness?" Some people say that happiness is the way we see the world, some say it’s our perspective on life, some say that happiness is found in everything, and some even say happiness is found in God. With everything I'm going through right now, I can't seem to find happiness. Am I looking in all of the wrong places? Who can I turn to?

I have been told numerous times that we can find happiness in physical activity, but when someone is unhappy to an extreme extent, they don't really want to go outside and run a 10K with 2,000 other people. No, they would rather stay inside, lay in bed, and think about what it is that makes them unhappy until it all goes away. But it doesn't work that way. You're not going to be happy by doing that, for it only makes things worse.

The way it works for me is, I think of things worse than they actually are because it helps me prepare for the worst, if it's to come. For example: When I was a child, I was rejected by my parents and had to be raised by my sister just older than me. Because of this, I tend to be the one to break up relationships because I have a fear of rejection. In my mind, if I am the one to do the rejecting, it's not going to be as bad if the other person rejects me. It's a force of habit because that’s how I was raised.

To be honest, I have tried to find happiness in God, but why would God continue to make my life miserable over and over again? Is there something I'm supposed to learn during these trials, if so, how am I to know if I have learned it? Sometimes I feel like God is punishing me, and it's hard to say otherwise when I am continuously unhappy. Everyone tells me to listen to God because he has a plan for me. It’s hard to realize that when you are in the depths of despair.

“I do not consider myself depressed, but rather I'm on a quest to seek happiness.”

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